Half a Year and We're Still Here

Six months ago today, we came home with Lucy.  It has been a very long hard six months. Anyone who tells you international adoption or even domestic adoption is not hard is lying. Some adoptions may be easier than others, but it certainly is no fairytale. You can't just bring a child into your home and expect them to suddenly part of the family just like your bio children, especially when that child does not speak english, is not your color, and comes from an extremely hard place. It is hard. It's hard on the child and it's hard on the family.

When we brought Lucy home, so many people said to us "Just wait, in 6 months she'll be much better" or "In six months she'll be totally adjusted and fit right in." and my favorite,  "six months from now she'll be just like your other children". Well, six months has gone by and none of these are true. It seems like every time we see someone we haven't seen in a while they ask if Lucy is doing better and it seems like no one can believe after six months she's not doing "better", to be honest that question is very frustrating to me. It seems like when I repsond with a "no, not really" I'm instantly judged because it must be something we're doing wrong. The thing is, most people don't have a clue where this child came from and what hell she has been through and somehow survived. Think about it this way, if you lived the majority of your life in an orphanage where you were treated like nothing, would it only take six months for you to heal? No! You would live your life in survival mode because you don't know who is there to love you and who is there to hurt you. Lucy has a very long road ahead of her and we need continued support and prayer as we walk this road as a family. Please don't judge us as we talk about our struggles. Before we brought Lucy home we thought we had done everything possible to prepare. We read all the books, went to the conferences, support groups...etc, however, what we have learned from this is there is no way to prepare for what you will face. We had no clue what Lucy had been through, no clue what her country was like, or how those things would factor into the journey ahead.

Now, I will say there have been several of you who get it and who have blessed us with your encouraging words, prayers, meals brought, gifts given...etc. I do want to apologize to those of you I have not thanked for all the ways you have blessed our family. My intention was to write each of you a personal thank you for all those things, but I quickly became overwhelmed with life and those good intentions were swallowed up by fatigue and flare ups. For the last six months I have felt like I have been checked out of life. I know I fooled many of you by the outward appearance, I have a talent for putting myself together when the inside is pretty messy. That's not a good thing. The truth is,
during that time I was drowning in physical and emotional fatigue and often the disappointing feeling of "this is not how it was supposed to be".  I felt like I was living on auto pilot. I felt like a walking zombie just trying to survive the next moment. Bracing myself for the next major meltdown or resting up from the last one. I have been not only cocooning with Lucy, helping her adjust but trying to help my other two through their adjustment to all this as well and all the while battling health issues. All too often it has seemed like if it's not a hard day with the kids I'm having a flare up.

So six month have come and gone and I kept thinking I would come out of this fog; that life would fall back into place and things would be as they once were. I've come to realize that life will never be the same and six months in I think I am finally adjusting to this new normal. We're still walking a hard road. The bad days are not as bad in some ways, but are still as trying. The meltdowns are not usually as intense or as frequent but they still happen. The days are not as physically exhausting as they were but still just as mentally exhausting as they have been all along. We may go a few days between bad days but when the bad days come they don't come one day at a time they come a few days at a time or more. My boys are doing better and have adjusted more but we they still have their days too. Aaron and I are still learning how to keep our marriage strong and healthy while holding our family together but God is getting us through it. Each day is a new day, I praise God that His mercies are new every morning. That has never meant more to me than now. I totally believe God knew all that has and will occur in my life and I believe without a doubt He will work it all for His good and His glory someday. This life is not about me. It's all about Him and pointing everything back to Him. Everything that has occurred in the last six months has only made me stronger in my relationship with the Lord and has left me clinging to Him every day because I know I couldn't get through a day without Him.

I am working on being a better wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend. I believe being honest in all of this is so very important. I cannot stand living my life behind a facade. So that is why I write as openly as I do. Not for sympathy, but for understanding. I don't want to be a discouragement to anyone considering adoption, but I do want to give insight to where we are in our journey. I want to let others know that while adoption may not be a fairytale, with the Lord's help, it is absolutely possible to get through the hard times. We could not do it without Him!

Almost Six Months

We've been home with Lucy almost six months now. Sometimes I can't believe it's been that long already, but other times it feels like it's been much longer. In some ways she is doing so much better, but in other ways she is still struggling and so we are still struggling.

About six months ago we met Lucy. Here's is a picture I took just minutes after meeting her:

This is the face of a little girl who has been through so much in her little life. You can see in her eyes that she is miserable. The life she lived in Congo was a hard one; one no child her age should ever have to experience. Lucy was not in a care center or anything, in fact, for the majority of her life she was in an orphanage where I wouldn't even say she was "cared" for.  Not only because there were too many children to care for, but because no one cared. Where she lived it was a free for all where children existed and survived. There is so much to her story... more than we even know and most of what we know I will not share here. 

In the last 6 months we have been through the hardest time in our lives. We thought the wait was hard, but that did not even compare... the wait is the easy part. Just when we think Lucy is past a certain issue, another arises. It's like she trades one thing for another. While major physical struggles don't happen as often now, there are many other battles that we face almost daily. Major control issues, boundary issues and very little fear of strangers. There is a lot of hateful talk that comes from this sweet face. It is shocking how such a young child can talk the way she does when she does not get her way. I'm not talking about being a little sassy... I'm talking about words and tone that is purely mean and totally disrespectful. Now, she doesn't do this to everyone, she will certainly play the cute little African princess role very well for those who do not know her. The more attention she gets from someone she does not know well the more she will play on that. This is pretty typical orphan behavior, but there are things about her that go beyond typical. Many of her behaviors are not just because she was once an orphan but because she is a former Congolese orphan.

The DR Congo is a very different part of Africa. When my husband or I have been to other parts of Africa, we have experienced people who have such indescribable joy and beautiful smiles on their faces regardless of where they live or how they live. In Congo it is very different. A smile is hard to come by and true joy is almost non-existent. We met very few people who were truly happy in their circumstances. So many people there are living in complete survival mode. Trusting someone is a scary thing there. In order to get by, lying and manipulating has become a way of life. It's not just their poverty level that makes them this way, but also the life their country has lived. These people have been through so much and the enemy has come in and taken over. A darkness exists there that you feel the minute you step off the plane. Now don't get me wrong, not everyone we met there was this way. We did meet some very sweet truly nice honest people, but I could count those people on one hand and none of them in country worked for our agency. Yes I just said that.

So, let's just say, Lucy is Congolese through and through. We have a long journey ahead of us to lovingly teach her that she does not have to live this way anymore. Many people think after 6 months she must be doing so much better. We can honestly say she does have more good days and sometimes several good days in a row, if we're lucky. She is speaking English primarily and she is getting along with her brothers very well...for the most part. Deep inside her there is a sweet girl that wants to come out and does here and there. In reality though, she still has quite a few not so good days...quite a few days that both physically and emotionally drain us. Not only are we working through things with her, but we're also working through things with our other two children as well. Life is not as it once was and though it's hard (we're tired and often at a loss as to how to help our daughter), I would not change a thing. This is what God called us to and we will continue to be obedient in that calling. Sure it's not easy, but God doesn't usually call us to easy things. If He did, we would not need to rely on Him. We could do it all on our own and that would not bring Him glory. It's not about us. It's about God. I know someday God will shine through Lucy and her story and He will get all the glory for the complete healing and restoration He is going to complete within her. 

Almost six month home and here is Lucy now:

She may still be struggling, but she has a light in her eyes that was not there before. I pray everyday

that the light will get brighter and brighter and that the Lord will someday shine through her!

I write this not for sympathy, but to be honest. This is not just what we are walking through, but what so many other adoptive families are walking through. I want to bring awareness so that people can realize their need and minister to these families. Adoption is not a fairytale and I don't believe God wants it to be. If you know someone who has recently or even not so recently adopted but still struggling I want to encourage you to try and find ways to minister to them, it would be a huge blessing. 

It Doesn't Have to Be Perfect!

Wednesday morning in the mom's bible study I attend, we had a discussion about devotional time and how it can be a struggle for moms. It got me thinking about my own struggles with this issue. If you're a mom, you know balancing the things of life in general can be tough and having time alone with the Lord is certainly one of them.

I have personally struggled with this in the past and still do on occasion. When my first child was a young it was fairly easy for me.  He would nap and I would use that time to sit with a cup of tea digging into God's word and writing in my journal. When my second came along, however, things changed. I tried to make time alone with the Lord, but I often failed.  The quiet, intimate time I had with the Lord before was no longer quite or intimate. It was constantly interrupted and often felt rushed.  It left me feeling discontent, guilty and discouraged and often kept me from trying at all. For a season, I neglected that time and tried to get by on what I heard at church or a message from a pastor that I heard on the radio during the week. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was not utilizing the power of the Holy Spirit as much as I could have been and certainly was not nourishing myself spiritually. Because of that, I began to struggle in other areas of my life feeling dissatisfied, insecure, weak, tired, and just simply unhappy.

I think, as moms, what gets between us and our time in the Word is the oh so well-known "mommy guilt". We often use this guilt unintentionally as a crutch. We tell ourselves that if it's not perfect, if it's not the way I'm told it should be or believe it should be, then it's not worth trying. I think many of us mom's believe quiet time with the Lord is supposed to be serene, uninterrupted and an hour long powerfully intimate time with the Lord. Sometimes...well let's get real, most times it is not like that. I have 3 kids now 6, 4, and 3 and I'm a homeschool mom, so there will be no day when they go off to school and I'll have more time to myself. Folks, it's crazy town here! No matter what time of day, they are always here and it's always loud. There is no hope for a serene uninterrupted quiet time at my house. The moment I sit down with my tea and my bible someone will inevitably need something, there absolutely will be screaming in the other room, one sibling will most likely be giving another a love tap...or two, and very often one, someone will need a bottom wiped. Sometimes I think they team up against me the second I get out my bible!

I admit it was frustrating for a while, but then I realized something very freeing. It doesn't have to be perfect. That's right, let me say it again. It does not have to be perfect! God's voice isn't only heard in the quiet serene moments. He is bigger and louder than all the chaos around us, but only if we are obedient to take the time and sacrifice our time to be with Him. I have learned in the last year, and even more in the last several months, that it is totally possible to have a productive and powerful "quiet time" even in the middle of crazy town. Not only is it possible, but it's absolutely necessary. I may get interrupted 15 times and may have to reheat my tea over and over again, but I will have a better day and be a better mom and wife because of it. I cannot tell you just how much it changed my life when I understood this. Not only that, but instead of hiding away in a closet or another room with my Bible, I sit out in my living room in my chair or outside while they jump on the trampoline. I'm letting my kids see me spend time with the Lord and hope that will someday stir in them a desire to do the same.

Now in reality, there are days when a 20 or 30 minute "quiet time" is just not possible. So when that is true I try to find other creative ways to spend time with the Lord and get His Word into my life. If you struggle to find ways to do this on a busy day, here are a few things I do that have helped me.

Tips to get the Word into your life:

• Listen to a podcast of your favorite preacher or Christian radio broadcast. Some of my favorites are Charles Stanley, Chuck Swindoll, James MacDonald, Tony Evans, Alistair Begg,  Family Life Today, and Focus on the Family.
• Read a Proverb or a Psalm for that day or just take one verse and meditate on it for that day.  It is amazing how when I do that the Lord usually brings to mind that verse at some point in the day and shows me exactly how that scriptures fits into my life. 
• Turn on worship music. I usually choose something like Hillsong, Kari Jobe, Christy Nockels, or Kristian Stanfill. It's amazing how just turing on some music with sound worshipful lyrics can turn into prayers and communion with the Lord. Not only that, but it can really turn a bad mood into a good one and that goes not just for me but for my kiddos too. 
• Journal or get a notebook and write out scripture. One thing I do during my time with the Lord, whether it's 5 minutes or 30 minutes, is write down what I feel that the Lord is telling me and the scriptures He has given me that day. Also, I often write out my prayers. As I have done this it has been amazing to look back and see how God has worked.

There are 3 rules that mom's should live by when it comes to having a daily quiet time:

1. Don't feel guilty about letting the TV babysit your children while you get some time in with the Lord.
2. If you can't get up at the crack of dawn, do it in the afternoon or at night. Just make the time! 
3. Never ever feel guilty or discouraged if you miss a day! Just move on and try again tomorrow!

If you are struggling, I hope this helps you with your walk in that area. I think it's something that is a life struggle because Satan wants to do everything he can to trip us up and keep up out of the Word. There is nothing more important in our life than getting into the Word, knowing the Word and our God. If you're not doing this regularly, I encourage you to start today!

Happy Birthday Lucy

Saturday March 2 was Lucy's 4th birthday. We had a small family only party at our house. As much I would have loved to have a big ole shindig, she was just not ready for that yet. I was a little worried that the party wouldn't be much of a party for her and she would end up in a meltdown before it was over but to my surprise it was one of her best days yet! She loved every minute of it, I should have known since she loves being the center of attention anyway. Aaron and I decorated the house the night before and we put up streamers on her door frame so when she woke up she could run through them. I was in the kitchen when she got up and I heard her run through them and laugh. She came around the corner and I said, "Happy Birthday!" and she got the biggest smile on her face, it was true happiness and that is something that is sometimes hard to come by for her. She even sang herself "Happy Birthday" several times before the party even began. 

After having two boys, I had so much fun decorating for a little girl's birthday party! I've never been one of those "pink is my favorite color" kind of girls but I have to say, I loved all the pink! I loved arranging all the flowers, setting out candles and pretty snack trays!

We had an adorable tea party cake made and in fact it was donated as a gift from a very sweet woman! It was such a HUGE blessing!!! 

It was such a sweet thing watching the boys celebrate with their new sister and really try to make her feel special too. I think they must have told her happy birthday 20 times that day. 

Present time was the dreaded moment for me, I just knew she'd get obsessive and possessive of her thing the moment she got them but she did much better than I expected. We had a couple moments after the gifts were opened but for the most part she was so good about sharing. 

Lucy LOVED her birthday outfit, she is a girly girl through and through! The second she puts on a tutu or a dress she says "Cinderella" and spins around. I painted her nails for her party and she made sure to show every person that walked in the door. This picture below makes me smile, I can see the happiness in her and I can honestly say there were moments in the first couple months home where I wondered if she would ever be happy. We are not out of the woods by any means, we still have a very long journey of healing ahead but being able to have a glimpse of joy gives me hope! 

Happy Birthday Lucy L'avenir Joy! You are a gift from God! 

Almost 4 Months

It's been almost 4 months since Lucy's Gotcha Day, the day we met our daughter and brought her into our family. So much has changed since the first day we met her in her, in us, and in our family. It's been a rough transition at times but we wouldn't change it for a moment. Things have improved greatly in many ways, though we still struggle in others and probably will for a very long time. English is becoming her primary language, we use very little Lingala now. The meltdowns are less frequent and less intense, She's in her own bed in her own room which is big! She has really adjusted well to our family and I really think she is starting to realize this is her forever family. 

The boys love her and they are great playmates, Isaac and Lucy never leave each other's side most days. Their love for her is such an amazing example of Christ's love for us, so unconditional. Don't get me wrong, they fight like most siblings do but they lover her despite those little tifts. 

Her true personality has really started to come out. She can be a very sweet little girl and lots of fun.

She can be a big ham. She loves to be silly and to be the center of attention.

She has a BIG personality...

and an even bigger laugh and it's so contagious!

But she has also been through a lot in her little life and has a lot to work through. It will take time but I know God will heal her little heart and He is doing that now. 

Before we adopted I'd look at other people who had adopted or were in the process and think how amazing those people were to follow the call God put on their heart to adopt. Now I realize, it's not that they are amazing, but instead it's God who is amazing through them. Adoption does not require amazing people, it requires an amazing God to equip you, sustain you, and carry you and your child through every step along the way both in the wait and most importantly in the transition at home. 

I want to encourage you that if you are thinking about adoption you should know that it doesn't require anything of YOU but it's all GOD. God will provide all you need to be able to provide a forever family for a child or children who need one. It's not easy but with God it is possible!

The Grief of Saying Goodbye

In the past few months we have been through a lot of transitions, we have had to say goodbye to a lot and with goodbye often comes grief. I knew when we adopted we would have to face aspects of grief, I was prepared to help my daughter deal with and work through her grief but what I was not prepared for, what no one told me was that I would face grief myself. What I have learned is that in the world of adoption there are many people who put on a smiling face and act like life is perfect and few of them are honest and real about the struggles that come with adoption. This is true with motherhood in general, not many moms want to admit they are struggling, many moms want everyone to think they have it all together and their children are perfect angels. What people don't realize is that does not help those of us who want and need to hear the reality of what goes on behind closed doors. So let me be honest, as if I haven't already in previous blogs. I struggle. Grief is not just for the adopted child/children but grief hits the entire family too. What no one told us was that there will be a time when you grieve for the way things were before and that is okay. Now don't misunderstand me, it's not that you regret bringing your new child into your family and it's not that given the choice you would not do it over again but there are times when it's all too much and the grief hits.

Nothing is like it was and it will never be again. We've had to say goodbye to the family we once were and embrace who we are now. 

We have to let go of the dream we had for our family and let God lead us through what He wants our family to look like. There is more chaos and less time to ourselves. We have to say goodbye to life as we knew it before...and for the last few months we've had to say goodbye to life in general as we've been cocooning now for almost 3 months. It's been hard for people to understand why we can't just get out and let Lucy adjust to the world around her but if you don't live with us don't judge. If you don't experience our daily life with Lucy don't offer unsolicited advice. It's so easy for someone to see us together as a family for a few hours and think, "she's doing better." I hear that so often and it really frustrates me. Maybe the issue we were having yesterday is better but she surprises us day after day with something new. Maybe we're not having a meltdown ever couple hours but we have one at least once a day and she goes from 0-100 in no time. They say the first few months are the "honeymoon period" and that has shown itself true in some aspect. True she came home with some pretty serious issues and some of those have worked themselves out but now the true orphan behavior is showing itself, it's unreal the odd behaviors that comes from her out of now where. Those who tell me she's doing better I would love for them to come over and spend an entire day and night with us and then tell me if they can still feel that way. She has been through SO MUCH and she has a lot to work through and believe me I can't wait for the day I can truly hear the words, "she seems like she's doing better" and be able to really embrace those words in complete agreement. Right now that is just now the way it is and that is okay. We accept that but even though we accept that we still grieve from time to time. 

Along with our adoption turning life upside down we've had another goodbye in our life. As of this Saturday night we will have to say goodbye to the ministry we have devoted ourselves to for over 3 years now. Over 3 years ago we took a leap of faith and put everything we had into a church plant in our city. God called us to be part of this plant, Aaron became the worship leader and I helped lead along side him. We have both been in music ministry since we were freshman in highschool, we led off and on at different churches and events but we took a break for a while and had not been involved in music ministry for a few years until we joined LifeBridge Church. It was the best thing we ever did. I am a firm believer that ministering together as a married couple is one of the best ways to grow together, it has grown us as a couple and it has certainly has grown our relationship with the Lord. It has also grown us as ministers for the Lord as well. It has grown me and blessed me so much to use  the gift God has given me to glorify Him and let Him minister to others through me. God taught me so much during my time in ministry at LifeBridge and I feel like our churches time has ended too soon. We were right on the verge of everything we had prayed for LifeBridge, we had a great place to meet and even though we had not been able to advertise much new people were coming and being ministered to. It's beyond our control and out of our hands now but I don't feel like God was done with us yet, so I grieve. 

I grieve for the loss of a church I loved, we were small but that didn't effect how greatly God used our church. I learned quickly through this church that the size of your church does not equal the success and it certainly does not limit what God can do. My children loved their church so much and Elijah especially has grown so much through his time there. I grieve for him because he is heartbroken over the ending of our church. It is hard to explain to a 6yr old that we will have to find a new church with new teachers  and all of your family (Aunt, Uncle, Grandparents, Mimi, and Papa) won't be attending with us anymore. One of the hardest things for us right now is that we will not be able to go to church as a family right now, at LifeBridge I was able to go to church and continue leading worship with Aaron because my mom helped out in Lucy and Isaac's class. Aaron and I won't be able to leave her in childcare at a new church with strangers because to her it would be like placing her back in an orphanage setting and that would cause some regression for sure so visiting churches together will not be an option for us for a while. I have to say, while we are going through this adoption transition adding the grief of losing our church and finding a new one is not an idea situation, frankly it adds to the stress and grief in our lives currently. I grieve the loss of the ability to minister with my husband in worship ministry, I grieve the fact that we have lost our church home and the family we have created within our church. I grieve the fact that we do not have a church family that is surrounding us during this time of transition in our family. My heart is broken over this loss and I know it will take some time until it is healed. 

In both situations the one thing I am holding onto now is the fact that God knew all of this was going to happen. He knew what we would face in bringing Lucy into our family and He knew what would play out with our church home. I am holding onto the fact that He is working it out, day by day, morning by morning.

His mercies are new. He is faithful. Though I may grieve from time to time now, I know that He is always faithful and He is working it all out for our good, even when it hurts. 

Interview with Elijah

I thought it would be fun to do a little interview with Elijah, he's such a funny, sweet, and compassionate little boy. I'm so proud to be his mom.

1. What is something Momma always says?:
Elijah: "I love you."

2. What makes Momma happy?:
Elijah: "Saying, I love you."

3. What makes Momma sad?:
Elijah: "When I get in trouble."

4. How does Momma do to make you laugh?:
Elijah: "Tickle me. When you tickle me I'll laugh as hard as a monkey!" (I'm not sure what that means lol)

5. How old is Momma?:
Elijah: "1,032...no 30 I think."

6. How tall is Momma?:
Elijah:"As tall as daddy."

7. What does Momma do when you're not around?:
Elijah: "I think you're having a party because we went." (HAHA!!)

8. What is Momma's favorite thing to do?:
Elijah: "Spend time with me."

9. What is Momma really good at?
Elijah: "You're really good at cooking!"

10. What is Momma's favorite food?
Elijah: "Healthy stuff."

11. What makes you proud of Momma?
Elijah: "Whatever you do it makes me proud of you, anytime it gets a little frustrating with me and you I'll still be proud of you. I'll always be proud of you for being a good Momma." (Aww!!)

12.What do you and Momma do together?
Elijah: "Play games."

13. How are you and Momma the same?
Elijah: "Because we're a family."

14. How are you and Momma different?
Elijah: "Because you're a girl and I'm a boy and you're my mom and I'm your son."

15.How do you know Momma loves you?
Elijah: "Because it's just fun with you being here, I like you here."

16. Where is Momma's favorite place to go?
Elijah: "To go shopping with Mimi."